I miss my old life. the one where my girls were home, the sounds of their laughter, playing, sibling bickerings, and constant “Mommy” calls were reverberating through the house. The never-ending fight to keep the floor free from tiny toys that hurt when you step on them. I even miss the four loads of laundry every other day from playing and food spilling. But I miss the closeness, the hugs, the lap time, the kisses, and the conversations way more than one should have to miss.
Going from full tme mommy, with little to no break from the girls, to complete silience, no communication but an hour a day on the phone and not seeing them but 6 hours a month is depleating my existence I think. My every day living has been reduced to just getting by till its time for my phone calls. I spend the time trying to find ways to better myself to be able to move forward towards getting them back.
I research the law, I research just a bout everything where child custody is concernd. Asking for help is hard for me. Either I get ignored, scammed or looked at like I’m the worst person on the planet, and mostly due to lack of complete details into our situation. My own lawyer, who has since quit, put her own personal feelings into things, wrote up a “safety” plan for me to follow, scared me into actually signing that plan, filled my head with “oh, no worries, I’ll help you” type things, took my money, gave more promises of fixing things, then because she misunderstood frustration from her lack of action and lack of communication, decided that I should go Per Se and that she just could not move forward without significant monies toward the account, although I had entered into an arragngement with the financing staff already, Craziest part….I did all the work and proved to her that I had grounds for a modification based on merit, not on contempt charges, although there were enough of those to seek full custody. Her response to this was that she wanted to wait till the appointed judge on my chase left in January…..then she just quit. I texted her today, asking what it would take to pick my case back up, even with all the obvious ill will against me, she knows the ins and outs of the case and still has all my documents, although I asked for them to be mailed to me. Please understand, I am not bad mouthing or trying to pass off any negative image i create on to another sheerly for their part. Quite the contrary. I did wrong by allowing myself to be tempted and harmed. Number one underlying fact and fault, which belongs to me. Had I not done that, none of the rest would matter. Now, to get to the nitty gritty of it all. While my daughters are not wanting for food, shelter or warmth, they are being watched after by the same people that made it easy for me to be tempted, based on the way they all treated me and the girls during the time of my separation. They are in the care and custody of Narcissists. Not that there is a “good” kind, but there is a really bad kind, and I’m afraid that might be the case here for me and my girls. The girls were snatched out of a loving and giving home. One that used talk and maybe butt pops to correct them, to be held against their wishes and govenered by tyrants that believe “spare the rod, spoil the child” means that you should beat the child anytime they do wrong. It also means that you should have the child be scared of you instead of love you. Because if they are scared of you now, they wll learn o love and respect you later for showing them who is boss. Anyone else confused by that? I know it floored me when the ex-father in law told me this after his wife and my oldest (who was 2) had a 12 beat the child into submission kind of day. It took my daughter 3 years to go back around that lady without me present, and still had to be forced by her father to go . Name calling, threats, beatings that left marks, and scars on my babies heart, mind, and soul. And what did I do? I handed her right back to those ppl by allowing myself that one moment. Ugh!! I kick myself a hundred times over each and every single second of every day! What I wouldn’t give to change that one decision! Hind sight is 2020 and I have no where near that perscription for these blind eyes! But I will think about and try to fix and make up the things that have hurt my babies since that aweful decision was made. I implore you all to ask yourself and check yourself whether your decision could or might directly hurt someone you love. I never dreamed that all this could come from me or a choice I made. Thats the part that cuts the worst….I did this!
Hug your babies tight. Let them know they are loved. Fair, firm, consistant, and quality compassion. If you can give those four things, you will be a head of the game to raise up-standing and great kids. Protect, but don’t coddle them. Cherish them, nurture them. But above all esle, love them. Admit when you are wrong, stand up for what you believe in, be open to change, fix the mistakes you can, learn from those you can’t. Be available and ready for anything because everyday should be looked upon as a new adventure!