During the process of this whole catastrophic mistake I have made, I think dealing with the obvious and deliberate contempt of court issues are the worst that I have had to deal with and still maintain a life, a house, and try to fit a business into everything.
Today has been exceptionally horrible in this journey of soul healing. While I am waiting on my taxes to come back to obtain a lawyer formally, I have spent the last 2 days on the phone in the endless pursuit to find that one that will connect with our case on a personal level and want to put the effort needed and fight that my case requires. The original attorney that drew up the papers that we are bound by knows the ins and outs of the case, my criminal attorney that did great wonders for me considering I did not give the total details of my secret, that probably would have got my charges dropped, if not reduced.
In the midst of talking with attorneys, the ex decides to text me telling me that I have to either allow the person responsible for my charges to supervise my precious 3 hour visit, or I have to forfeit the time till next weekend making it 3 weeks since I have seen my girls. Of course the very first thought would be to reschedule for personal safety’s sake, but after going 15 days here, 3 months there, another 3 weeks again just last go round, the idea of not knowing what will come up next time to make it even longer keeps me from jumping to safety’s side.
Of course, it’s not a big deal to him. He gets them day in and day out, when he is not working 16 hour days and shipping them off to someone’s house for the weekend that is. He chooses to spend absolutely no time with them, and yet knows I am not on drugs and that I am not a danger to them, but absolutely refuses to sign away this horrible parenting plan. It’s like torture is the end game, and I’m fed up with it and his constant bullying. It is time for my girls to come back home where they are happiest and end this charade. Enough is enough already!
So I did what all mother’s do and I hunkered down, pulled my boot straps up and put my big girl panties back on. I got in touch with a wonderful attorney that gave me stellar advice, but just was not practicing in the area anymore. She has given me the courage, and the confidence that I used o have. God works in mysterious ways and though those we might not ordinarily come across any other way than by his grand design. \
The ability to stay strong and keep myself in check is the real challenge… I am a Scorpio, tried and true! The emotional rollercoaster of that coupled with the emotions of not having my girls with me everyday, and the added awkwardness of not being comfortable around people for fear they can see my darkest insecurities makes for a very bad first impression.
From the child hood physical, mental, and sexual abuse to the adult mental and physical abuse I already was a very reserved person, but add in the newest situation of how I got charges to begin with, lets just say I avoid people like they have the plague or worst, An yes, I understand that not all people are horrible and that I just got the great unlucky of not only being raised by a psychopathic narcissist but marrying one as well. However, I have a very hard time not listening to my brain’s observation of any and all things seen and heard by people, whether new to me or long time acquaintances, and that term is used because with issues of this magnitude, there are no friends left. I lost them when I got with the ex., and the one that I did not lose and thought would be there through anything like I was for her called it quits on me about a month after I got arrested.
I am not sure if everyone knows this, but Scorpio are very determined, emotional, and loyal people. My loyalty is my downfall, it’s what allowed that person to manipulate me into doing what she wanted to begin with and then kept my mouth shut when I could have used the information to help myself. The new theory in my brain is loyalty equal stupidity, but all the morals couldn’t really be like this new age millennial way, could it? I mean there has to be some justice, loyalty, tradition, and honor out there hasn’t there?
Nothing is as it once was, and I am not certain it ever was. I am totally terrified that I was brainwashed to think that there was ever a time that these things existed. Justice, for instance, where in the world is it justice to take someone’s children after their first ever infraction of the law just because another says that a person is doing something? A person, who in fact does their own dirt, but has not lived with that person in over two years? Are the courts so jammed with cases that judges don’t look at facts and accept hearsay and order outlandish orders and ruin a person’s life even more than what should have been? If ever a person was to get into being so baked out of their mind, I think the weak-minded or willed person might just try to find refuge in la-la land. However, the ones like me, that know what a colossal idiot move they did, immediately try to repair the damage they caused to everyone and stay the heck away from the one thing that caused their world to crash.
On top of the probation, the community service, court fees, random drug testing, loss of guardianship of the girls, the loss of friends and family, the loss of respect and reputation, having to put up with the ex’s over indulgence of controlling every thing M is the absolute worst part of the whole ordeal as a person. As a mother though, the effects of the controlling, the bullying, the missed time, attention, and affection from their mother everyday, and the constant inhumane treatment of their mother in their presence, is just soul draining and heart breaking. Top that off with the ex’s constant need to have a female and not giving time to their relationship before moving them into the house, allowing them to come and go, and allowing them to have a say so in not only our issues, but dictating discipline over the girls without any regard for their wishes or feelings brings me to wanting to scream child abuse and neglect from the hilltops, but the louder I scream for someone to step in and offer us some help, the more I realize the world has changed and people just don’t care like they used to. No one wants to open their lives to the troubles of a person that ultimately brought this on herself. I don’t really blame them in relation to my end of things, but I really wish I could find my daughters an advocate that would fight for them to right this horrible injustice.
I pray every day. I encourage my daughters to pray everyday. We definitely need divine intervention, or so it would seem. However, no matter how hard I pray on it, I am scared that he is slow to help because I put my miracles to the side that awful day I gave into my own childhood dreams of having my mother’s time, attention, love, and bond since the girls were safe and with their father. Although I knew it was a bad idea and childish, I had no idea what would come of it that day. I did not know that the woman who gave birth to me, that was supposed to love me, would try to kill me, drugging me, and helping their father gain an opening to take them from me.
That decision to try to connect with my mother cost me so much, too much. My children, my marriage, my reputation and respect, friends, jobs, my clean record, my career, money for lawyers, my car, my everything. The bad part is that it’s still not enough for her or the ex. Both try to take more everyday. The one person that has stuck by me is now included in their vendetta against me. Nothing is sacred as long as I am alive. Joke is on them though. For, no matter how long it takes, I will have my girls home. I will have my come back and I will be better that I was before all this, and yes it will be because we have endured such evil in our already small family dynamic. I refuse to be defined by this situation and I refuse to give in to their dreams of a world without me as the girl’s mother!
They say that God only gives what you can handle. I don’t think I want to test the theory, but I will say that I think I have lived this long enough. At some point, the nightmare has to end and my girls saved from these horrible people!