Meet me in your dreams, I’ll send you kisses on the wings of a butterfly until you can meet me there!
From the very first day this horrible journey began, to help my oldest K to be able to process, connect, hug the emotions, and to cope with the loss of her everyday mommy, I came up with a way for her to believe that I was in fact there with her. That, not only was I there in her heart, but in her mind, and in her dreams.
For the ones that have no clue what it feels like to love your children to the point of physical sickness to not have them everyday as you have since the day they were born, and absolutely not allowed to either, well let’s just say that if you don’t, I really do not wish it upon my worst enemy.
Tonight, this feeling washed over me and had me close to vomiting. After 8 months of this, you would think my emotions would be in check, that I could keep the tears contained so as not to make it even harder on my baby girls. However, tonight during our normal 1, 2, 3’s, every thing went as it normally does. I do my part first: 1 mommy loves butterfly princess blonde (K), 2 mommy loves butterfly princess Anna (Z), 3 mommy loves and misses her butterfly princesses. Next K does hers: 1 K loves her butterfly princess mommy, 2 K loves her butterfly princess penny (her cat), 3 K loves and misses her butterfly princesses. This is where things usually wrap up and we say our good nights and try to get as many “I love you”s in before our time runs out and she has to hang up, however, miss Z decided to throw mommy a curve ball and for the very first time ever jumped right into the 1,2,3’s and did her vert own version of it. My heart melted, broke, and swelled all at the same time! It was the cutest thing that Z has ever done I think.
Out of the tremendous heartbreak and hurt, some memories, like tonight’s first Z 1,2,3, will forever be etched in my heart. My K not being able to sleep unless she hears my voice, Z telling me, “I wanna come you mommy”, and the sight of them running towards me while screaming “Mommy” are just a few, but that song tonight is gonna be a super tough one to beat I’ll tell you that!
The situation is what it is. The underlying causes have already been corrected. Their father, for lack of a better way to describe him, is a very controlling, mean-spirited narcissist. His sole intention is to keep the girls interactions with me to the very bare minimum, if any at all. As this 8 month journey has progressed, he keeps regressing and refuses to even adhere to the court ordered paperwork he signed. There are no ramifications for him to not follow it either since I do not have the money needed to retain a decent lawyer to file the hundreds of contempt charges against him, or to file for the modification that is definitely needed and wanted by me and the girls.
The things that have been done to me by him not following the order are not ideal, but I’m tough enough to endure the process until I can get it fixed. The girls, however, not so much. Does he care? He can not see the damage he is inflicting upon them with his desire or need for revenge, the pain that his actions against me cause them, the future impact of his actions on their own formed relationships. It’s scary to think I have no choice but to sit by and watch this all become a hard reality that will be way to late by the time he actually can regret his actions. It’s also scary to think that this just might be the way it will be until the 24 months are up and I can actually get them home where they belong.
If only I had the money needed to do all the things that are needed to bring them home to me! Home, car, and lawyer. The essentials needed to survive, but I can swing 2 of the 3, but one of he 3 just can’t be on what I will have available. How do you choose between the 3, especially when the end result could be drastically devastated by the choice?
The only thing I can do is pray and work my butt off to change the circumstances more that what I can see in my mind’s eye. Surely no judge would look at the direct evidence and say that I deserved the punishment I received in the divorce and allow it to continue. I mean, given everything, the disruption of their home, the little to no contact, parent alienation, medical neglect, emotional abuse, surely there has to be a way for me to get that order modified and fix this whole mess.
There are many things on this mommy’s To-Do list. Calling lawyers, finding side jobs to earn extra money, get the business running, locating resources to help bring them home, all while actually working for the business and helping on another business. My homework for someone who reads my story would be to step back, look into the eyes of someone you love and see them and not take them for granted. Be mindful of mental disorders and the effects they have on those that can’t protect themselves and be strong enough to not stand for the little ones of the world to fall through the cracks.