Chicken butt, love butt, Ziggy butt!
As I feel the pieces shattering ……
Another in the, what seems like, long list of new traditions and code words that I have had to teach my kiddos to help them cope, feel safe, remember they are wanted and loved by mommy very much, and focus on something love oriented and positive when they are having to be subjected to the harsh emotional roller coaster environment that they in. They are not allowed to have sad feelings, cry, or show any signs of trauma to being ripped from their mother and held against their will from even talking to her on the phone whenever they feel like it. Through trial and error, we have found out first hand, that with these people, just the normal everyday comment of “I wish I was at home with you mommy”, can and will cause us not to be able to see or talk to each other for days, weeks and months. Without explanation or a heads up, nothing but cold silence.
The time in between our precious 3 hour visitation wears on all three of us, but K takes it the worst. It really is draining her aura and slowly putting black marks on her precious, beautiful, and loving soul. Any one that knows her can see it in the purple bags under her gorgeous blue-green eyes, hear it in sweet little voice, and witness it as she passes out at 5 o’clock every evening exhausted from lack of sleep and restless night’s sleep.
Not being able to get a ride to her school to eat lunch with her, like I usually do once a week, has put her emotions on overload and she can’t help but to act out at me. I don’t blame her either for her being mad with me, and while I correct the attitude or sassiness immediately, I follow it with the sincerest apology, one that I will be giving them both for the rest of my life on this earth. An apology that not only includes me making the worst decision of my life, but for it putting them in the situation to have no other choice but to be subjected to the horrible things that they have been because of it.
Most of the time, she does everything in her power to hide the extreme sadness, show off her new abilities and try to soak up as much of my attention that is possible in a thirty minute period. Now that Z is getting older, can talk better, and can put how she is feeling into words better, she is starting to want to talk to me more too. So the already squinches time has been broken into less time for her one-on-one she so desperately needs and craves. For the life of me, I can’t understand the thought process behind a parent succumbing their child to this type of punishment and hatred towards the other parent, all the while, not realizing the effects it all plays on the children. I feel like the Grinch that Stole Christmas, only I stole their childhood that horrible day.
I try to focus on the positive side of things and remain optimistic that this hell on earth will end fairly soon and help my sweet girls to know that mommy never promises unless she knows for certain that she can keep it. My Aunt Deborah instilled a deep sense of family honor and integrity trust and loyalty, but beat into me that “Promises are like kisses from Jesus himself, you never promise unless you know you will not have to break it. Should you have to break a promise, you better do your best to let the person know, the reason, and that you will make good on it as soon as heavenly possible!” So far, I have not broken my promise to bring them back home to mommy and P.P. Meow Meow, but it sure is taking so long that my girls are losing hope, faith, and trust in me. Some days I can feel the desperation of their souls trying to get my attention through the telephone, and i can hear its crushed heart begging me to just let them come back home, it making vows to never be bad agin if I would just let it come home…….
As the tears well up in my eyes, a sense of deja vu comes creeping in playing that whole scene in the dream I had last night and didn’t remember it till typing it just now. That happens a lot for me and the girls. Empathic, Intuitive, and connected to each other spiritual. That’s how I could always tell how things were going to go with the ex’s control on my all and visits. Amazingly, the girls were always right there on point, and without my mentioning anything, tiny had a dream that she needed to tell me about. LOL
As much as I know it’s not the case, it feels line they almost dread the calls everyday. Every time I get my call, after the new live-in girl friend, and her 3 children, are home all you can hear is screaming, cussing, and yelling. Then you can also hear the smacks as one of the kids starts crying. K has learned to ignore it but I can hear her heart breaking on the other end of the phone as she has to listen to them. Yesterday, when she called, I could instantly tell something was bad wrong with my tiny. I heard the background and knew that it was new gf related, and tried to get her to fill me in. She softly tells me she can’t say just yet, chicken butt, love butt, Ziggy butt. Instantly, I understood and just eased her into something else till she was okay to discuss it. Then, out of no where, here comes the ex and new gf into the room where K was taking my call. At the top of his lungs, he hollers “you already f$#@ing lied to me! Morgan, you don’t F-ing focus, that’s why you’re a&^ is failing in school, I ought to whip your ass”. Then her mother jumps right in providing him support to verbally stomp her own child’s self-esteem, all over some socks. I just lowered my voice, told my girls how much their mommy loves and misses them, and to please not give up, be strong for mommy, and that I am bringing them home, and that I am sooo sorry for everything and I will never do that stuff again. K tries to reassure me that she is ok, but my heart and soul are so destroyed beyond repair till I am afraid I will never recover, as punishment for allowing it to come about in the first place.
As their mom, I never would have knowingly gave into my own childish hopes for my mother’s attention if I would have thought, even for a nanosecond, that any of this could happen to me and my girls. I sure as heck would never have called 911 on myself if I had know that mess was in my car either! I would have to be some kind of daft idiot! Well, I really am a daft idiot, I let my own childish want for a one- on- one moment with my mother cost me my own children for 24 months if I have to fulfil that awful plan I was ramrodded into signing. I would take it all back in less that the smallest measurement of time known to man kind. Without hesitation!
I know that I am on the right path and that I have done nothing but better myself since all this has happened, but I still feel like the colossal failure that everyone has made sure to call me (right in front of or to the girls). No matter how far I have come, how positive a change I have made for us, the fact remains the my babies still have to use Chicken butt code to save them from the most controlling narcissists I have ever came across. I also know that there are so many stories just like this one that tries o hold someone back in life b sleep each night.. I joined a Facebook group for survivors of narcissism and while it helps, it’s a constant reminder that we will never be completely free from their reign of terror.
For those that have similar situations or know someone dealing with narcissism or emotional torture, just know that you really are not alone, and that if I can make it having to watch my children die emotionally a little more every day with no way to stop it or get revenge for them, then I know you have it in you! Feeling a weak moment and don’t believe…..leave me a contact email and information and I’ll gt right back to you, no matter what time, and we shall just chat it out till that thought passes and you see !