Pictures of the real smiles that my girls possess. Pre-bad decision day.
There is no mistaking that a mother loves her children. We grow them, nurture them within our own bodies, feel them move and kick us in places we never thought we had. I knew instantly that I was having a little girl and what her name was to be. There is no doubt that from the very start, me and my oldest K just had a connection that continues to grow stronger by the day. I can tell just about anything by the sound of her voice, how long it takes her to answer, the way she is breathing. It drives her and her father nuts, but I can’t explain it nor turn it off. Frankly, I don’t want to do either of these things either! Especially since it drives her father batty! LOL
This is my girls at the very first supervised visit, post bad-decision day. You tell me, from a stranger’s eye, what do you see? From an insider’s eye, an observant mommy’s eye, I see suffering, hurt, yearning, confusion, but comfort, love, trust, just to name a very few.
The other day on one of our allowed phone calls, the new girl friend wanted to speak to me. At first thought is was thinking, “awe great, what kind of crap is she wanting to start with me this time?” She lets me know that my girls have lice, K for the 2nd time and Z for the 1st time in the whole 2 months of her being with their father. That her kids did NOT have it, just like the last time I was told K had it. She went on to let me know that she did not feel like K got it from school, and since Z was not in school, they aren’t allowed with me, so the only place they could get full-grown lice in the last 2 weeks was from the biological mom. I instantly, without even realizing, began to laugh so hard. I know I shouldn’t have but the fact, that the evil witch that is so perfect that she sends the girl’s home twice now with lice! Now I realize I am laughing, and contain myself. She went on to say that as being parents and adults, she was just trying to communicate with me. So, I get back to my call with K and Z, thinking maybe things will be better now that this woman is acting better.
The key word ….. acting. That’s all that whole conversation was. The pair, the girl’s father and this woman, are drill sergeants. They yell, cuss, berate, belittle, lie, and condescend to not only her children, but mine as well. I hear it in the back ground every single time I talk to my daughters and they are there. I can hear it in the way my K is so terrified to do anything but EXACTLY what they tell her to do! No joke, last night, during our first phone call, the youngest in the house is C age 3, and he was in the room with the girls while they were on the phone. If he hit my youngest once, he hit her about 23 times, yes I counted them. I told K to go tell her daddy, and she said she did not want to be a tattle tail. He hit Z again, making her cry for the 5th time, so I told Z to go tell him. It’s like I could see into the room, but in my mind I saw them look at each other in terror. Crazy, huh? Z voices her unwillingness to be the one to tell.
Once we were off the phone, I sent him a text message letting him know what had happened. I received the typical no response from him. Like always, he did not even acknowledge that he got the message, well until the next call, that is. Once on the phone, the very first thing K has to say is: “Mommy, daddy wanted me to tell you that me and Z are not allowed to tell daddy and gf anything. We are not allowed to tattle tale.” Immediately I felt the blood begging to boil and almost explode out of my veins. However, I kept my composure, and calmly said, where they could hear me too, “yes baby, however, as your mother I have just as much authority over you as your daddy does, and if I tell you to do something, you will do it. I know you have different rules while you are living there, but I won’t have you being hurt nor will I put up with you not listening to your mother, and next time, there should not be messages sent through the children.” From the scoffs in the background, I knew that my message was delivered to the people intended, and since it was communicated on speaker phone I felt confident that I had not diminished the ex’s authority like he had done mine with his delivery system.
That was not the first time that situation had come up, however, it was the first time he felt it was okay to include this new gf into the discipline process with my children. This is after me just finding out last visitation tha this person has been spanking my girls. I have not let the cat out of the bag that I know she is doing it just yet either. I want to wait and let the papers from the lawyer hit him with it. Either as a super contempt charge or as direct evidence of child abuse/neglect, or both.
By the end of that particular call, my little Z had went from laughing, to all of a sudden crying and having to be laid down by K with the phone by her ear. You see, she has had a nasty cough for the last two weeks. K did too, but the school sent her home with a fever, so the ex took her to the doctor after he picked her up from school. (Due to the last episode where K was sick for 3 months and I got the school involved just so he had to take her to the doctor because he slap refused until they did.) Z, on the other hand, had been sick right along with her, but still has yet to go. As she laid there, I could hear her breathing was labored some and that she was not feeling good at all. I asked K to check on her for me, and she lets me and the ex know that Z’s forehead felt hot. Of course, she had to make sure to let him know that I made her do it, like trying to say “mommy made me daddy, please don’t be mad with me”.
Once off the phone with the girls, I immediately address the message he felt was okay to send through our 6-year-old, and a request for the temperature of Z. I got no response what so ever. Fuming, but trying to be smart, I wrote it all down in my journal to add to the ever mounting medical neglect issues that plague my poor children’s life now. For the life of me, I have no way of understanding what would cause a person to just ignore the health of your child the way he does, and then him to maintain this “I’m a better parent” type mentality. It’s never been about who is the better anything when it comes to my children with me. Its only ever been about what is best for them so that they have the best life ever.
From the medical neglect, to not being told who watches my children if they are not with him or his mother, to K being forced to be on her bunk bed and not allowed to leave it because the gf says so, to them having to listen to the opinions of everyone about their mother, and the corporal punishment practices that go against the court order, I find my self feeling like my hands are tied and that my girls are in pure turmoil and hell there. Sad thing is, I have been searching for a lawyer to help me get them back, and they are either extremely too expensive, or lazy. I can’t afford either type! I need one that will not only be pro-active and fight for the rights of the children and me, and but one that will take a decent amount toward the retainer and allow me to make payments and possibly work off the remaining balance. However, I’m beginning to think that is impossible, only because such lawyers do not exist.
During the time that K was sick for 3 months, I tried getting CPS involved too. I called them anonymously and told them how they are left alone (neglect) in or outside the home during phone calls (Z likes to put things in her mouth or throw ashes if left unattended)(neglect), them being talked to the way they have been witnessed doing(mental), not being taken to the doctor (medical neglect), the way they handle anything related to me around the girls (mental abuse), being left in the car alone at stores (neglect), corporal punishment (physical abuse), and the list goes on. Know what the man on the phone told me? That because, I was not there, I had no way of knowing and that there was nothing they could do about any of it! Yes folks, our great child protective services hard at work!
I might be an over protective mommy. Yes, I jus might, but not in the sense that taking them to the doctor when they are sick, talking and using other discipline tactics besides hitting them, or treating them like little humans instead of dogs would be considered over protective. My parenting skills differ by far from the discipline boot camp ex’s. I have witnessed first hand how heavy his hand is, his temper, and his tongue lashes. Never not once, have I ever forced my children to get on a bed and not move for 30 minutes. Nor have I ever cussed at them and then hit them for making a mistake. I refuse to raise a child in fear to earn their respect. I do not believe that statement makes any sense at all, because if you raise the child to fear you, that is all you receive from them, fear. I want their love and respect. I have always been taught you have to give to recieve. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. This is how I raise my girls.
I have been on the other end of the hits, the harsh words, the constant feelings of hopeless ness when I was a child. I refuse to let my girls be brought up that way. K begs me everyday to let them come home. I pray to God everyday for the exact same thing. I will not quit. I will find the loophole, the lawyer, statute, something that will set my girls and I free from this torture. I have to, they are all I have.
Tomorrow will be like any other. I will wake up determined to find the souluton to our problem, and I will live for the moment I get to hear heir voices. What do you think I should do? Is is ok for the domestic parnter of the ex to be allowed to discipline a child up to and including spanking? Can anyone give a little insight on anything? Then, as always, I will share my pain and then go to bed to repeat, but hopefully not for long. Hopefully one of these steps with include the stop button for this vicious cycle.