“Mommy, we were playing, but we had to stop so we could talk to you.”
The words of my six-year-old today when I asked to speak to them. Words that in most cases seem benign of any cruelty or nastiness in most given situations. However, in my recent history, the words have such a deeper meaning and mar the normal good that you take as definition of the sentence itself. You see, since this has begun, the “caregivers” that my children have been forced to be around, first decided that it would be good fun to force my children to not play, not color, not talk, and definitely not ask any one for anything if I was on the phone during an allowed call to them. It was good fun to watch my than 2-year-old Z not want to be closed up in a room all by herself with her sister with nothing but the telephone and a mommy on the other end that she was missing so bad and could hear her, but just not see or touch her.
Eight months later, this is still the same, except the hate and discontent that the people have for me, when I have never done anything wrong to them directly or indirectly, to the point that just me saying, ” I really wish that you guys did not have to stop doing things just to talk to me, like I was a punishment or something” leads to the woman yelling just as loud as she possibly could ” And I wish you would quit Bitching, cause it’s just so they could hear your stupid ass”. From me saying an apology to my daughter about having to stop playing and that it makes me feel like I am a punishment, that woman jumps right down into my conversation and goes off on me right in front of my girls, knowing full well K gets beside herself with all the emotional stuff. She is very sensitive to all the kaos and stress of it all. Instead of being able to say any of this to her, however, she exits the house and leaves the 3 and 6 year olds alone in the house. Whats more, is the fact that when I try to get to talk to them for the last call I get for today, she will ignore the phone and not allow me to have that call from her, and I will have to pray that their father is in a good enough mood to actually let me have my call once he gets home.
I keep telling myself that its only for a little while longer, that soon we will all be back together soon and that it will have all been worth all the stress, tears, and fight. But the reality of it is, that until my taxes get back (which they are still processing 15 days later) and I can pay the $25 consultation fee for this new attorney the bar referred me to yesterday, there isn’t anything I can do. My original attorney will not release my documents back to me for some reason either. So I have to rather all my information, luckily I have most of them, but it’s just the point of the whole matter.
It seems that this is the way of the world for us. Struggling to find someone to help us, not take advantage or scam us. I feel like we get so close to the end of it, just to have the rug snatched back out from under us and have to start all over again.
For example: I got evaluated by a court appointed psychologist and was cleared of any chemical dependency issues or mental health issues (which the latter confused me since anyone that has been almost killed by their mother on three separate occasions in their lifetime surely would need some type of therapy you would think. lol) This clearance automatically opened my case up for immediate modification per FL. Statutes in that it provided a severe change in circumstance and put me inline for getting my old attorney to get us into court faster since she was slow walking the 300 contempt charges against the ex from charges ranging from not allowing me the correct amount of minutes in the phone calls to making me go 3 entire months without seeing my children so that he could diminish their hold to me some. I gave her the money to file and every thing before christmas break at my daughters school with a hope to have them home for christmas. That was a complete joke, since the lawyer never had the intention of doing either the contempt or the modification, just to get my money to add to the balance, even though I had already entered into a payment arrangement with her billing person. This would be followed by 2 months of complete silence and ignoring any and all of my calls to find out what was going on or if they were even working on my case at all anymore…..absolutely nothing until 3 weeks ago, where she lies stating she told me that she was only drawing up per se paperwork so that I could go and do it myself, and no I could not have the money back that I have a receipt showing it was for the filing of the paperwork either. Nice lawyer, huh? Let’s not forget, she is the same lawyer that put me in this position to begin with by scarring the crap out of me and telling me if I did not enter into this arrangement that I would lose my children forever and that she was doing me a favor by drawing this crap up!
Although I feel that I have got a bad end of the deal, with what my mother did (and the lawyer knew the truth), what the lawyer scared me into signing, and the way my ex treated the whole situation, in the end I made the fatal and horrible decision to get high with that woman, and opened the doorway to hell all on my own. I take full blame for that. I just wish I knew what other lesson I am supposed to learn so that I can get some good juju on my side and get my girl’s home safely where they really do belong. There is no way in gods creation that a person that has never done anything wrong against another person, never been in trouble with the law before this, and doesn not use drugs or put her children in harm’s way, could possibly deserve to have them ripped from her for 24 months to only see them 6 hours a month up till then. The thought of how this is “in the best interest of the children” is beyond me, but throw in the spanking, yelling cussing at them, the dictatorship type environment and medically neglectful environment that they are being forced to have to endure makes it all just unjust and hurt that much more. How much can you take from a person before they explode, but then you take more because they finally did?
Here it is 20 minutes past the call back time that my daughter asked me to do and I can’t get through to them because the woman refuses to answer the phone. Their father only offers “I am at work” as an utterance of help in the situation. The saddest part of it all, I am being made to suffer the consequences of his brother’s actions of being in prison due to his actions of being a sex offender and meth addict. Nevermind the fact that I was drugged by my own mother, that they don’t see because my mother and her husband went and became “friends” with them and told as many lies as humanly possible just to drive more of a wedge in between my girls and me.
I have never felt so low, alone, or helpless in all my life. What do I do from here? I wait on my money to arrive and sink more and more into the reality that I may just have to endure this for a whole nother year and there’s not a dang thing I can do about it since I have no one on my side helping me fight the system or the money that backs the ex. My girls are the ones truely suffering though. And that just breaks my heart completely in two.