Most people are sound asleep, their husbands, children, pets, and worries all tucked soundly in for the night. Me? No way, I’m busy pushing myself as usual. For instance, I am holding up a promise to provide a book mark for our books we don’t get finished with so that we can save our spot formally and without hurting the book, typing this blog post for everyone, and also trying to nail down digital products to add to my website to strengthen my business audience. Well okay, yes I am doing about 3 more things at the moment too, but usually no one likes to believe that I have all that going on and not sleeping, and not doing drugs. For those people, I can guarantee that they have not had half the things transpire in their lives as I have had in the last year, let alone have both their children snatched by the narcissistic father who swears I am unfit because I made a bad decision.
When I was married to him, CO would demand 8:30pm bedtime for everyone, including mommy, who at that time was a full-time correctional officer working 12 hour shifts, getting the girls to where they needed to be, paying all the bills, doing all the laundry, the cooking and cleaning, and taking care of the every needs of my girls and myself. The only thing I did not have to do was give the man a shower and dress him I think.
He never lifted a single finger to help me. Not picking up after the girls, not cooking dinner, not vacuuming, nothing. He went so far as to make soda can pyramids on the counter next to the garbage can after I had just bleached the house.
Working the 12 hour shifts took so much out of me, but having to do all the other mommy chores that he refused to help me with, at night after everyone was in bed asleep, I would stay up and play candy crush on my phone. Nothing illicit, devilish or seductive….just candy crush saga.
It helped me to relax, unwind, and let go of the horrible things I had to hear and see during those long shifts. I would start playing at 9 pm, then before I knew it, 2 am had donned the doorway where I sat playing. CO would be up and down throughout the night, sneaking around the corner, or listening through the door trying to find out if I was cheating on him or not. Out of the dead silence, after him tip toeing up on me, he would lower his voice, making it deeper and echo, and scare the ever-living bejeezuice out of me! To him, me being startled at a deep creepy voice out of dead silence automatically meant I was cheating on him. Forget all he times I had already caught him talking, sexting, and actually cheating up until this point. Forget having any real tangible proof. He just knew I was cheating. “Nobody stays up that late at night if they aren’t wanting to talk to someone”, he would claim, however, I was too tired to cheat. I was too tired to enjoy my own kids, let alone some other dude.
I look back at those days and cringe. I cringe at all the things I let that monster get away with doing not only to myself, but my girls as well. I cringe at all the good times I had to miss out on with my girls, my friends, my family because of trying to please him. Some good it all did, cause he single-handedly, on-by-one took them all from me. For the life of me, I still can’t figure out what was so exceptional about this man who put my whole sensory system on crash mission status.
Picking up the pieces of my broken life, sadly isn’t the worst part of this whole thing. Having to leave my 3 and 6-year-old s to fend for themselves for love, affection, and positive attention against my will, having to watch them be neglected, mentally, physically, and emotionally abused, and having to tell them “I want you to baby, soon baby, we be back together soon, I promise. Mommy is working just as hard and fast as I possibly can”, are the worst parts. I hope and pray no one ever has to feel this type of pain unless they are 100% deserving of such.
I want my “dance in the kitchen” nights, my “Mommy read to us” times, my “can I brush your hair mommy” moments back. I want all the moments back that I missed out on because I was pining away and arguing my time away with that monster. I want the little pitter patters stomping feet, the squeals of happiness, the laughter, the tender affectionate moments on the couch, the talks, the fun, the games, the t.v. shows, you tube LOL doll videos, vamprina, bubble guppies, pacifiers, baby dolls. I WANT MY GIRLS BACK!
Ok, I have managed to accomplish a door hanger and bookmarks with a surprise basket for tomorrows lunch visit. Also, finishing up this post, did some laundry and recorded some snappy chats, LOL. Insomnia stinks big time, especially for the reasons I have it, but I know that the good Lord will not make my girls continue to suffer. He is a merciful God and loves his little children, so I have no doubt I will have them home, it’s just the when that is killing me! Please, if you would not mind, say a little protection prayer for my girls. They are so young and innocent, I just hope that is all still intact when I do get them home. Good day to you all.