Dancing our worries away

Music is known for healing, building us up, and helping us work through emotional issues.  For the girls and I, it has always been a way to bring us closer, to help us move past the bad of the day.

We have “Dancing in the Kitchen” time.  Whether it’s one or both, me doing the two-step with my girls on my hip, we just let the bad go and dance our way to feeling great and being happy together.  The small things that make childhood worth remembering.  All the things I always wanted when I was their age, but never received.

I feel that I need to apologize, you see, I just realized that I have been writing about my girls in the present tense.  As much as I really want, need, and hope this to be true, it simply is not.  The more complicated version is that although I have only been in trouble this one time in my whole 40 years, that I took very super-duper care of my babies when they lived at home with me, that I did not put them in danger, nor did I or do I for that matter, have a dependency issue.  However, because I was scared and intimidated into signing the parenting plan by my attorney at the time, no one will actively help me seek the modification that I am entitled to tat would bring my girls back home where they belong.

According to the attorney the bar set me up with says that because I signed that paper, no matter what the reason I signed it, that going for modification to the parenting plan would be a waste of time and money, but seeings how I have so many great things to prove that contempt of court, I should get a move on that ASAP and pay him 2k to go with me.

I know I need an attorney, thanks to me getting arrested and all, but geeze, 2k just to go in and get the ex a slap on the wrist at the b.s. he continues to pull, or allows from others just sounds like a waste of money, right?  I mean if he has no respect for the law, the judge, or his own word now, then it’s safe to say that he won’t give two cares about it after he gets sighted.  I may be wrong, and yes I know that we have to start somewhere, I was just hoping for much better news, especially since they are winning my girl over with brainwashing and force.

I have tried the right ways.  Listened to all the advice. I even wrote Ellen to see if she could help us in any way.  Next is a letter the bar registering a complaint against my old attorney and requesting that the parenting plan be amended based on the gross ethical issues against my attorney. Then and lastly, a letter to the judge’s secretary or someone within the judges command to shine some kind of light on our case and how we keep getting further and further from the light at the end of the tunnel.

My youngest Z asked me tonight, after not talking at all to me the last 3 days, “Mommy, I want you”.  The happiness, pain, anger, guilt, and sorrow all filled me at about the same time,   and I replied, “aw my baby girl, mommy wants you too.  I swear my little diva, I am doing everything I possibly can to make that happen, I  promise baby.”  She got so upset at me that se ran out of the room and didn’t come back before my call was done and over.

All the while, her father and his new gf are sitting there hanging on every single word that is being said.  Not caring about anyone but themselves or realizing just how much all this is hurting the girls, and for what?  Vindictiveness, narcissism, and pure hatefulness, that’s why.  Their father wants to punish me to the max over him being embarrassed over me getting arrested.  That new gf, well its obvious whty she does her part.  K, my 6  year old, is so angry with me because day in and day out, she can’t be where or who she wants to be.  She has to watch another woman and her children be with her daddy and her kids call her mommy.  They get to get fed, read a story, get a bath, do their homework with, get tucked into bed, get kissed good night by their mommy but she has to be there instead of with her mommy like she so desperately wants.

Saturday is our next visitation, and while talking about it yesterday, K tells me “no mommy”…..  All of a sudden, the new gf comes jumping in the middle of our conversation, telling me “I’m sorry, but I am not going to have her telling her mother No like that no matter what.”  I’m instantly pissed, but I have to refrain from pissing off her father or he won’t let me talk to them or see them like I’m supposed to, but when that woman went on and threatened to discipline my child again, I come unglued!  I quickly let her know that it was OUR conversation, that I am the MOTHER, and that she needed to worry more about her own teachings to my children of lying, but spanking her own son because “we don’t lie”.  She quickly shut up and left the room for the rest of the call, except to try to play stop watch, like me nor K let the time slip by us since we know the ramifications of it.

I know I messed up.  I also know that since I did, I will be a degenerate or “waste of space” to most people.  However, there are only three people in the entire world who’s opinion actually matter to me.  I wish for one moment, every judgmental ass could just envision themselves at the very bottom of that totem pole that they believe they live at the top of and put the shoe on the other foot.  Its a hard thing to cope with, the loss of my time with the girls, the loss of respect, loss of family and friends, the loss of dignity and self worth that stems from all of this when you know what no one else will even give you the time of day to tell them…….that it all happened because you wanted to bond with your own mother while your children were safe with their father and she decided to murder you to try and get the girls for herself.  Crazy huh?

I just want to ask a favor at this time.  One that means a great deal to me considering.  Please if you or someone you know is going through any kind of issues with the other parent of your children, please for the love of GOD, be mindful of the children!  They may be small, but they can hear, see, and feel too.  They should not be put in the middle under no circumstance.  They should be allowed to have a happy childhood, one that is not rushed away like my girls’ has been!  K said to me today, as a matter of fact, “Oh well, Life ain’t always fair, mamma!   My 6 yr old said that to me..  and it was like “POOF” childhood gone, adolescence entered….at 6!

Again, I conclude with Florida’s “what’s in the best interest of the child” rule…….

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